Happy together
by Zetai
Summary: Do you know what happens when Itachi and Tobi are alone? It's not what you think.


**Happy together**

warning: horrible crack

**… … …**

"Tobi is a good boy! Yay!"  
Hidan grabbed a handful of cookies and shoved them in Tobi's throat to make him shut up.  
"Damn you, Hidan, these are expensive! Don't waste them like that!"  
"Kakuzu, do you want me to shove something in your throat too, to make you shut up. I have something big here..."  
Kakuzu said nothing, just blushed.  
"Yay!" Tobi was jumping on the couch.  
"What the hell are you doing there! Somebody hit him and kick him and make him shut up, god damn it!" Pain's irritated voice came from the other room.  
"I can't stand him!" Kisame pressed his hands to his ears, trying to muffle the annoying noise.  
"Yeah, me too," Itachi said coldly, his expression severe and blank as usual.  
"That's nothing! Do you have any idea what I'm going through?" Deidara immediately regretted saying this, because it attracted Tobi's attention.  
"Deidara-senpaaaaiiiiiiiii, weeeeeeeeeee, Tobi luvs ya, Tobi is a good boy, give Tobi a hug!"  
"Fuck off!" Deidara tried to push him away. "Hm, Tobi, I think leader wants to talk to you." That wasn't true, but it worked. Tobi rushed to the other room where Pain was.  
"Leadeeeer, Tobi wants to hug yaaaaaa..."  
"Shit! You morons, why did you send him here, Tobi nooooo..."

Yeah, that was the sweet, idyllic life the Akatsuki had.

It was time for a mission. Pain was giving orders.  
"Tobi, we really don't need you to ruin the whole thing again, so this time you'll stay here. Now, I hate to say this, but you people know that someone will have to stay with him, otherwise the base will be levelled with the ground by the time we come back. It will be you, Uchiha, because you're serious and strict and I think you can handle this."  
Itachi just nodded, his face blank.  
"Tobi, go to your room." Pain watched him storm into the corridor right through the closed door. "This reminds me we should give up using doors. Uchiha, I know that spending a few days alone with that annoying freak is a hard task, but you're a tough guy and we trust you. Besides, you've done it before and you survived."  
Then they left.  
Itachi watched them go out, his face indifferent, but as soon as they closed the door his expression changed dramatically, some creepy shine appeared in his eyes and a naughty smirk curved his lips. When he was sure they were far enough, he rushed straight to Tobi's room.  
Tobi's eyes flashed happily when he saw Itachi storming in his room and yelling "Tobi-chan, we're finally alone!"  
"Yay, Ita-chan, we're finally alone again!"  
"Tobi, seriously, I can't wait, I'm so impatient. We w'm so impatient,an't wait,nklyhaven't done it for a while and I was getting nervous, you know."  
"Me too, Ita-chan, me too." Tobi threw away his mask.  
"I even tried to do it by myself, but it wasn't the same, Tobi, I need your help."  
Itachi gasped and looked Tobi in the eyes.  
"Tobi... I want to tell you that what we have... me and you... it makes me really happy. This is the only good thing in my gloomy life. The only thing that truly helps me get rid of all the stress. When I was younger, I used to do it with my brother, but now I can't see him any more, and you're the only one who can fill this emptyness. Every time we're together... Only you can make me feel this way. The way I'm out of breath and my heart goes faster every time we do it... It just feels so damn good. We have to keep it secret from the others because they'll ruin it. They just can't understand such emotions."  
Tears watered Tobi's eyes.  
"Oh, Ita-chan, you're the only one who likes me and understands me, Ita-chaaan..."  
They hugged, then let go.  
Itachi smirked. "Tobi, let's do it now! I want it so much, I can't wait to do it again!"  
They climbed on the bed and then...  
They started jumping like crazy, yelling wildly.  
"Ita-chaaaan, yaaaaay!"  
"Tobiiiiiiiiiii... That's awesome, squeeeeeee..."  
Then they yelled "squeeeee" both at the same time.  
"Ita-chan, Ita-chan, no squeee, you should say weeeee."  
"Why, Tobi?"  
"Because you're a weeeeeasel!"  
"Holy crap! You're right! Genius as usual. WEEE"  
They continued jumping like crazy.  
"Tobiiii, I luv doing this sooooo much, yay, I mean weee!"  
"Ita-chan, I luv having fun with yaaaaaa... ow... waaa." Tobi was jumping too wildly and fell on the floor.  
"Tobi... ahahahaha... AHAHAHA... You're so clumsy."  
"Ita-chan, you're mean!" Tobi climbed back to the bed, took a pillow and started hitting Itachi with it.

Meanwhile Pain and the others entered the base. Pain was mad.  
"Deidara, I can't believe you're so stupid. How could you forget your clay? We can't do the mission without it, you'll ruin my awesome plan. Now because of you we have to waste time coming back for it. Huh? What's that suspicious noise coming from upstairs? Hidan, Kakuzu, Kisame, see what's going on."  
They rushed to Tobi's room and when they opened the door...  
"Weeeeee!"  
No. That wasn't possible. That expression on Itachi Uchiha's face... and the noise he was making... unbelievable!  
They were speechless for a few seconds, then Hidan muttered "A genjutsu?"  
"No, I don't think so, it's real." Kisame's eyes were widened.  
"We're dreaming?" Kakuzu pinched himself to make sure he wasn't lost in some twisted nightmare.  
"Weeee!" And then the bed crashed with a bang, Itachi and Tobi found themselves on the floor and finally noticed that the others were staring at them. And in that moment the expression of surprise and shame on Itachi's bright red face was priceless.  
No one said anything. Then Kakuzu finally broke the awkward silence. He was shaking with anger, his trembling hand pointing at the broken bed. "D-Do you know h-how much that costs, you m-morons?"

…

"What the hell is going on?" Pain yelled when Hidan, Kakuzu and Kisame came back.  
Kakuzu felt too shattered, but he tried to explain.  
"P-Pain-sama, Itachi and Tobi were d-doing that odd and disgusting thing a-and they broke the bed!"  
Pain's eyes widened.  
"No, no, no," Kisame said briefly. "Pain-sama, it's not what you think!"

…

It was time for another mission.  
"So... Tobi, Itachi..." Pain tried to keep a straight face. "We're going on a mission and the two of you will have to stay here. I hope this time you'll behave yourselves."  
"Yay!" Tobi was happy, Itachi was staring at the floor.  
"Well, we go now." Pain and the others left. As soon as they were outside, all of them burst out in laughter.  
"Ahaha, I bet they'll do it again." Pain was literally squirming.  
"Hohoho" Kisame was rolling on the ground. "And the poor idiots don't know that we hid a camera in the room."

…

In Konoha Sasuke was in his room, sitting in front of the computer, watching porn and jacking off. When he was done, he was just about to go to sleep, when he thought he could watch some funny stuff first.  
"Well, well, let's see what's new on youtube. Hm? What's that? What? OMG!... OMG!... Holy crap! Ita-… Ita-... OMG!"

In the morning he went out and all the people on the street stuck their eyes to him.  
"Hey, everyone, look, that's Sasuke Uchiha... Dude, your brother is so much fun, ahahahahah!"  
Poor Sasuke wanted to sink in the ground. "That damn Itachi... What a disgrace! As if killing the clan wasn't enough, this is even worse!"  
He ran back to his house and started hitting his head in the wall. "That's it! I can't take it any more, I'm going to Orochimaru!"

…

"Kabuto, see who's at the door."  
Kabuto opened the door. "Aww, Oro, it's Sasuke-kun!"  
Orochimaru licked his lips. "Sasu, now we'll have fun with you."  
Sasuke shivered. "W-What do you mean?"  
"Time for fun, yay!" Orochimaru and Kabuto started running in circles, yelling "Weeeeeeeee!"  
Sasuke watched them in disbelief. "WTF? Crap!"  
"Come on, Sasu, join us! Weeeeeee! Just do the same as we do."  
Sasuke was totally confused. "Eh-hm. Weeeeeeee?"

**The end**

**… … …**

**Author's comment**

What the hell is wrong with me today! Whatever it is, this is the result. I had no intention to do it, I wanted to concentrate on some wild yaoi, but that thing appeared in my mind and I had to write it.

And now the disclaimer!

Itachi and Tobi: We and all the idiots in the fic are Kishi's characters. Masashi we luv ya, weeeeeeee!

Sasuke: OMG! *starts hitting his head in the wall*

Itachi: Otouto! Weeeeeeeeeee!

Sasuke: Shit! *runs away*


End file.
